Some "News you can Use"
-Sarah Jessica Parker was replaced this week by Joss Stone as the Gap spokesperson, and this is the quote that came out of SJP's camp:

"Joss is not only a teenager, she's also a virtual unknown. Had her replacement been a big star, perhaps Sarah wouldn't have minded so much."

I've never punched a woman, but that's probably because I've never met Sarah Jessica Parker. And that quote is a glimpse into why. God she's awful, with her confusingly high self worth and endlessly annoying sanctimony. I don't know who Joss Stone is and frankly I don't care, I'm positive she's less annoying that Sarah Jessica Parker. The new commercial could be Joss riding a T-Rex that comes to my house and stomps me in the balls and I'd still prefer it to anything with Sarah Jessica Parker. Yeah, keep telling me she's uniquely beautiful ..she's not. She's genuinely ugly. Bear-repellent ugly.
Alright, a quick search later and it turns out that Joss Stone is a 17 year old soul singer who gets compared to Janis Joplin a lot. I'm not sure when that became flattering, but, hey, whatever. You could dig up the real Janis Joplin, put her in some khakis and dance her around in a Gap ad, it'd still be less nauseating that Sarah Jessica telling me how much everyone loves her. (Just kidding, Jasmine. You know I loooove SATC....)

-Mario Vazquez, the guy who suddenly quit "American Idol" a couple of weeks ago, has been "Clayed," or should I say, "Aiwakened?"

He's hired former "Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken's high-powered record-industry lawyer. And he may have jeopardized his "amateur" status by being featured on an album that's already been released.Unbeknownst to anyone, Mario is featured on an album that was originally released last May and had a re-release this week, according to Amazon.com. He sings several pop songs as the only guest vocalist on "Worlds of Change," by an Argentine flamenco and R&B guitarist named Cesar. What a shame...

-Christina Aguilera's been axed from a fashion label after slating celebs who push their own clothing ranges. The singer was due to launch her own line with company Basic Box, but her multi-million contract was terminated after she called celebrity lines "tacky".

Probably for the best, considering Christina Aguilera's strange taste in everything. Her clothing line would've probably been something along the lines of an eye patch and pirate hat. With a talking parrot. And treasure. Argggh! I'm a pirate!

-(Lindsay) Lohan and Johnny Knoxville were out one night with some of his buddies when the group arrived at a (New Orleans) nightclub that wouldn't admit the underage Lohan. So what did Knoxville do? He left Lohan outside and went on clubbing...

It's undeniably cool that a proud white-trash guy like Johnny Knoxville would leave a confused and scared princess like Lindsay Lohan alone on the curb in a town like New Orleans, where the odds were 50-50 that she'd be kidnapped and sold into slavery. Although, if she was, it would end up like some John Hughes movie where she's such a pain in the ass, the kidnappers end up paying a ransom to get rid of her. Hijinks would ensue and guys would get hit in the balls a lot. And in the end, we'd all learn a little about ourselves and a lot about love. Rated PG-13.